Monday, March 8, 2010

I thought today was going to be different.

In the last week I have cried everyday, I was determined to make today different with no tears. I'm so stressed out and feel like I have so much on my plate and know one seems to understand. I feel like I go to school near full time go to work four days a week and typically stay until close and then I have the gym, friends, and Scott to keep happy along with finding time to play with Rambo and clean up after Scott and do my own things like laundry eat and even go to the bathroom. Today was over all hard, I am OCD in a way with time management When I have some place to be at a specific time I like to be there just the same as when I'm told a time I don't like it to change...this is how I budget my time for what time I need to start getting ready to how long it's going to take me to get to this place and so fourth. Scott said last night he would take the car to work come get me at 11:30am and then take me to work at 12:00pm then he changed the plan, but not only that he said he never said the previous....I can't stand it. He has also called me to change the plan but to tell me (not ask me) to make him lunch, I go into the kitchen to make it and get 10x more stressed out the kitchen that I just cleaned the night before is already trashed....before I can start cleaning I need to clean the kitchen WTF I get everything set and it's 11:45am I'm about to walk out the door to go to work and I get a call from my boss saying she changed my schedule from 12:00pm to 6:00pm (witch I was so excited I didn't have to close) to 3:00pm to 11:00pm what kind of boss calls someone 15 minutes before there shift and says: " I changed your schedule a little because I just got back from Vegas so yeah, you work from 3:00 to 11:00" WHAT! Not only do I have to wait to leave the house to go to work but now I have to be there until 11:00pm with no dinner....I call Scott to vent and he of course makes this about him how I'm attacking him....uhhhggg I can't stop screaming and crying why does everyone have to take advantage of me and make me feel like crap if I don't do things the way they want it done. I just want to get everyone out of my life right now except Rambo work from home and not talk or see anyone for two full months....yeah I think that would be enough time to just cool down and take some me time and not have to deal with everyone else's problems that they lay out on me.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

is this happening again?

I feel like a zombie in my own body, I have never felt so alone. I am so mad at myself, it's not the men in my life's fault it's mine. I find these guys who I think are amazing and they have both been the same, selfish, demanding, rude, and most of all make me feel like crap. Your probably thinking I'm being hypocritical because I just stated how it's my fault but I put down the reasons why I don't like them, it's my fault for staying with them when I'm so unhappy. I feel so trapped and I can't leave, I guess I don't know how. I think things will get better with time, and when they don't I give it another chance. What if things don't get better? What if I find someone else and they are just like the others that Ive been with for a long amount of time. I feel like when I met him everything he said was a he liked the same food as me, how he loved the outdoors. At Least he is more fun then the other but just as rude and makes me feel like crap just as much if not more. I'm not perfect in any way I have my own flaws, I feel like they bring out the worst in me at times but I still think I have pose and can understand where they are coming from. I hate going into a conversation starting out strong and why things need to chance by the end of the conversation I'm the one crying saying sorry and I'll do better. I do everything I can to change and fix the problems but he can't...I just don't get why guys think it's impossible to compromise, that is 100 percent of the reason why things don't work there is no compromise. I feel like I express my feeling a lot to him I don't hold anything back, I should have to but when things don't change and we are always fighting and he thinks it's me and I think it's him it's so hard to deal with, I don't know how to deal with it hence the zombie state I'm in right now. I feel like writing always helps but sometimes I stay the same. I'm just thinking okay, if this fight get resolved when is the next one going to start. I feel ike know matter what I do it's never enough or it's wrong. When I have a job he hates it, he hates not having his car, he hates that I'm not home, he feels like it's not worth his time being inconvenienced. When I don't have a job I have it held over my head, I pay all the bills, what do you do around here to help out, School isn't a right now I'm going to school every single day I'm going on two months without missing one day and now I'm working although it's a pain in his bum, and I'm doing my best to keep the house picked up. I have to keep him and my friends socially happy and trying to keep healthy, I feel like I don't have time to breath sometimes....but yet he still say's I don't do enough and I'm ungrateful and a bitch...I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'll just take some more time and try and figure out life as it comes to me.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

One Day...

One Day I will be able to say I'm so in love, and stay that way forever
One Day I will be able to say I'm getting married to the one I love
One Day I will be able to say I'm on my way to owning a home
One Day I will be able to say I'm pregnant, and couldn't be happier

One day all this will happen.
I want it all, I want someone who is as in love with me as I am with them, Someone with similar interests as me...someone who likes to go outside and hike, four wheeling, camp firs, going out shooting just random beer cans not animals...and feel confident they can take care of me while doing all of this.

I want someone who doesn't feel the need to talk to other girls in a inappropriate manner, someone who is going to talk to there friends that are girls but about me not about there boobs and how they want to do them, I feel like that is more of cheating then actually doing the act, it's so hurtful and it's something I never want to find again.

I want someone who isn't going to get bored of our relationship just because were married, I want someone who is going to want to try new things and is spontaneous.

I want someone with a career, not a job. I want them to love what they do because I feel like when you love what you do your an over all happier person, your not rolling out of bed in the morning saying "I'm tired, I don't want to go to work today, I hate my boss" instead I want them to say goodmorning beautiful I'll be home for lunch.

but most of all I want someone who believes in god, When I get married I want to be with this person not only for the rest of my life but forever and allways.

One day this will all happen, until then I will wait I have faith.